Coming to you from my friendly public library because my home computer snorted too much laptop crack and overdosed.  I hope it was worth it because trying to get some privacy in public... well, it just doesn't happen. 

Big happenings in the land of figjam, folks.  I probably won't be around much anymore... I'm going back to work!!!!!!!!!!!  Among many other huge things.  Fuck yeah.  Back to the land of the living. 

Okay... the Wicked Witch of the West... er... the librarian is signaling that my time is up.  Until some other time, dudes.  I'm out of here.

I'm not one to vent usually but I'm going to.

I have a friend who is making me very upset.  Upset to the point that I would consider ending the friendship.  It's not a difference of opinion or anything like that really.  I won't go into detail simply because the story would be one-sided (my side) and that doesn't seem fair.  However... my desire to keep the details private do not negate my general feelings which are not good. 

The fact that it was so easy for me to allow ending the friendship to be a possible remedy to the situation speaks volumes.  I have made my feelings clear to friend.  Friend doesn't get it and doesn't shut up or change. 

Oh well.  We are incompatible as friends.  No sense in forcing it.  Life goes on.

I feel better now. 

Last one for a week, folks.  I done got sick of these things again... already.

This quiz is quite accurate.  I have three people... count 'em... three... who I will tell anything more than surface bullshit to. 

You Don't Have a Big Mouth

In fact, you like to keep your life very private. You figure that your personal life is no one's business. And if people try to pry, they'll end up unsuccessful. You're a big mystery to people - and that's fine by you!

Wasn't that a Whitesnake song? 

Love.  I like it.  I love it, I want some more of it.  Tim McGraw. 

Okay so I consider myself to be a fairly expressive person but when it comes to love I'm totally at a loss.  I could sit there and describe in great and hilarious detail my escapades at the grocery store but when it comes to something deeper I end up sounding even goofier than when I talk about the guy at the Olive Garden who sat directly in my line of vision... the one who chewed every bit of steak gorgonzola with his mouth wide open so I got a full view of the first step of digestion.  Or when I make fun of myself for writing a run-on sentence... kinda like I did just now.

Anyway.  When it comes to feelings of love or romance I find myself stupidly quoting songs to get my point across.  How lame is that?  Not like classics either.... it's always weird shit like "Kiss Me Deadly".  Remember Lita Ford?  I don't really but I've watched enough "I love the 80s" on VH1 to know that she's the gal who looks like she's humping her guitar in the video.  That song is not exactly one that would incite romantic feelings in a normal person but I suppose classifying myself as normal would be an impossible stretch.

Oh well... at least I'm cool enough to prefer Def Leppard (Pour some sugar on me, in the name of love!) over Boyz II Men.  If I start quoting those sappy bastards, please slap me.

Fuck, I KNEW I was cool but this proves it.  The number one song on the day I was born was this:

Abracadabra - Steve Miller Band

I did not think I could get any more awesome.

How about some mindless bullshit?  I apologize in advance for the fucked up numbering... I got it this way so I take no responsibility... just too lazy to change it.

1. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say?
I probably wouldn't be able to speak.  I might cry though.  In a not so good way.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Nope.  I only have one friend I trust. 

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Definitely

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Survey is not exactly the place to get into that now is it?

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
Dishonesty and more dishonesty. 

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
None of them and I think that's quite a compliment.

7. When was the last time you snuck out?
Just today...

8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
No but commitment gets me a little looped at times.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Well, for a while they popped in but recently they took up residence.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?  April 2000

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
It told me to tell you it's none of your fucking business what my last text message said

13. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Brain... gotta have some sexy gray matter to turn this girl on

15. What are your goals in life?
I want to be a good mother and raise loving, compassionate children.  I want to strive to be a better person everyday.

17. When you get married, how do vision your dream wedding?
In my dream wedding I marry somebody who I love beyond reason and want to share the rest of my life with.  Pretty normal I think.

Where is 18? Why do people do these surveys if they do not want to answer questions? Why delete them?

19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would call?
It would depend on whether or not the coma left me with amnesia and without a voice... that's what always happens on Days of Our Lives.  Damn comas.

20. How many kids do you want to have?
I have a couple.  That's enough.

21. Would you make a good parent?
I'm a work in progress

22. Where was your default pic taken?
Don't have a real pic here.  The one on my MySpace was taken at my house

23. What is your middle name?
M for Moron
And 24-26..where are they?

27. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
I'm sleepy

28. Are you musical?
Fuck no

29. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
Everything and nothing.  I try not to look back.

31. What are you wearing right now?
An enormous Yellowstone t-shirt

32. Righty or Lefty?
Righty

33. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
In dimes. 

34. Best place to go for a date?
The beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  With a bonfire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

35. Favorite jeans?
Old Navy Ultra Low Rise Boot Cut

37. Favorite animal?
Cats.  Yay!

38. Favorite month?
November!!

39. Favorite juice?
Gross

40. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes.  I was six.

41. Have you had a sore throat?
Have you ever had a runny nose?

42. Have you had plastic surgery?
No... haven't had the need yet but I would consider it in 20 years if I was sagging just wrong

43. Who knows you the best?
My mom

45. Do you get along with your family?
Abso-tootin-lutely

44. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Both but mostly glasses

46. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Oh yes. Mostly they're power struggles, but there's the occasional brawl.

47. Been to Mexico?
Sometimes when I go to the grocery store it seem like I live there but I don't and I've never been there.

49. Did you buy something today?
Some deodorant and groceries

50. Did you get sick today?
No but I could use my mind powers to make it happen or just get tanked

52. Do you miss someone today?
Like crazy.  Sucks to live apart from loved ones.

53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No... yesterday was another story though

55. Last person to lay in your bed?
Me

56. Last person to see you cry?
Somebody I wished hadn't

57. Who made you cry?
The usual suspect

58. What was the last TV show you watched?
Spongebob

60. What are your plans for the weekend?
I plan to plan.

Catchy title.  Too bad that it took all my brain power to think up the title and now I have none left for the content.  So sad.

I've been doing some experimenting lately.  I go through periods where this is necessary in order to grow.  Or maybe I just tell myself that the end result will be growth when in actuality I am only repeating actions that led to previous mistakes that led to previous hurt and heartbreak. 

Growth?  I think not.  Denial?  You better believe it.

Maybe I'm just crazy.  Even so I struggle to swallow the pills.

That's pretty much it.  I'm really at a loss to find the eloquent, descriptive words that would best fit my current state of mind.

I write not for sympathy but for clarity.  This is hardly a play for pity - an emotion I despise whether it's given or received.  I know myself and I know my thoughts and their patterns.  I'm not really in need of help or advice... just trying to organize the jumble. 

Tonight my thoughts leave me unsettled.  Too many occurrences that defy logic... cannot be explained.  Good or bad, the unknown frightens me... and more often than not, good things that cannot be explained turn out to be bad.  That is not pessimism... it's reality... and I rest easy knowing my feet are planted firmly on the ground.  That does not keep me from wishing that the fleeting in my life would turn into concrete but I know... deep, deep in my soul... that it could never be. 

Far too close to fantasy to ever become reality.

Shit in one hand, wish in the other.  So much for eloquence but sometimes that just doesn't get the point across.

You be the judge.

I've been calling numerous places in my quest to find an affordable/suitable/not nasty place to rent for myself and my children.  So far not tons of luck.  I called on a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath and the first question the man who answered asked was: "How many people will be living in the house?".  I answered truthfully... me and my two toddlers.  "It's too small for you!" he blurted and unceremoniously hung up on me.  Um, ok.

Women are almost always easier to deal with (I've found anyway) and I think I've stumbled upon a place that might just turn out to be my future home... the landlord is a wonderfully pleasant woman who seems understanding of the situation at hand.  My cousin would live just upstairs (small world, huh?) and I'd be within walking distance of many things I love.

Not really the point though.  Today I finally got a call back on another place that I had contacted before finding the current rental I'm interested in.  I answered with a generic "hello" and a friendly, younger-sounding man said, "Hi, sweetheart... how are you?"  

"Fine, thanks.  How are you?"

"I'm just great, honey.  Is your mom around?  I need to talk to her for a quick minute."

Whaa-at?  My mom?  For a second I was totally thrown for a loop.

Me!  He meant me!  He thought I was a child!  At that very moment I burst out laughing.

"Um, I think in this case I am the mom."

Two beat pause.  Laughter.  "Oh my God.  You've got to be kidding me!  I'm so sorry!  But you could take it as a compliment - you sound very young."

Hmm.  Keep telling yourself that, dude.  We'll see.

Talked to him a bit more and discovered that his house was not in an area that would be convenient for me.

So.... ego boost or insult?  Either way I got a good laugh.  I needed it. 

One thing leading up to another and yet another.  Seeing so much that I've closed my eyes to... I look in the mirror to find that I've dwindled... not a surprise.  I had made a conscious decision to starve myself again.  Logic screams at me to stop... to eat... to do SOMETHING.  My bones ache with each movement or even lack of movement... protesting the lack of nutrients they recieve from already depleted fat stores.  I hurt... but somehow... in that twisted way only a truly sick person could... I savor  the empty feeling I have each morning... horrifyingly enough, the feeling of hunger...

I never did it for attention.  No matter what anybody else thinks... no matter how this may make them squirm... I did it - I do it - for control.  Power.

And now I see my face... drawn and pale... even underneath the bronzer and blush... I look into my own eyes and see the wrenching pain.  My heart is sick and I don't know how to fix it.  My brain works overtime to find the right answers but there are none.  Mind over matter?  Maybe when it comes to food but the rest remains to be seen.

I haven't felt this in such a long time.  I've been numb but events have forced me to feel.  More than anything I want the strength to deal as though I wasn't broken beyond repair in the first place.

My girls just got off the phone with their grandma (my mom).  It was a quick call designed to distract them for a bit... I love watching their faces when they talk to her.  They love her so much.  I love her so much.  Mom is just one of those constants... something you can count on when everything else falls apart.  Very steadfast, always level-headed, and forever loving.

She's incredible.